Good... bye

So I spent the whole day doing nothing. It's wonderful. Except I have two seminars and an exam to be done with by the end of next week. And that's just the most important things. Nice.

Watched a gilmore episode today. "The incredible shrinking Lorelei's" it was called. It was an episode where everything is coming down on them, and failure is nagging them by the heel. And I so recognize the feeling. Don't we all? When everything is falling apart. And it is so scary, cause... cause failure is scary. Sometimes it is inevitable, but in my case it's not, and I should pick myself up and start with everything that I need to do. What's happened to me? Why can't I just force myself to do what I should be doing?

Why am I coming closer and closer to a failure?

That little word

It is so weird, that little word, that in me evokes so many feelings. Feelings people tell me I should not have. Or they don’t say it out loud (looks can kill, almost) but I know they would like to. And I know they don’t understand, not at all. That single little word, that makes me want to cry and scream and shout, all at the same time. That has nothing to do with me. That makes me want to flee.

As a Christian, love is one of the principal foundations. It’s what your life should be built upon. And still, What I feel is not love. It is far from it. The worst for me, is that I know I’m expected to love, or at least try to love. And I guess that is my issue. Don’t expect me to do something, especially not when I didn’t want this in the first place. It might turn out ok after all – I don’t want to fight. But for now, I’ll stay in a denying bliss, awaiting summer and hoping that the sun will melt this ”ice cold heart”. I’m not that cold, I just never wished for this. I’m sorry, but that is the truth.

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