Janya

I can do anything I want
I can do anything I want Whenevver I want However I want
But I don't
Because that might hurt you, and I don't want that

Actually, I lied
I cannot make you happy forever, even though I would like to. If you let go of control, you will fall when the dip in the road thows you off.

We try to seize the day, because today is all we got, it's all anybody gets, because noone knows if we'll have tomorrow.

Look at me, I love to be alive and I live to live, progress, move forward and just... just enjoy life.
But I can not ride a bike with no handlebars, at least not for a longer time.

Life changes so fast sometimes. It's 2.55 AM and  just cannot sleep, although I really should and I was tired! But anyway... I just thought I should do an update. Finished my master thesis för my business master today. That feels good. Still have a dissertation to write, for my BA in drama pedagogics. But I'll work on that tomorrow.

Chris graduate high school on friday. I remember that day, six years ago. It was a great day. But the clean air.day after, that was scary. The emptiness, the vast room of nothngness and everything, owerwhelming choices... I found my path, which I'm really greatful for. BUt you do learn through life, that no path, no road comes without new turning points, new roads that can be taken. Take the one you are being truly guided towards, the one YOU know is right. I just took such a path. And even though it's rough sometimes, it will soon be smoother and I will be able to breath clean air.

... at my new job!
I really like it so far. I'm working as a personal assistent to a woman, and it's nice. It feels good to know that I will have some sort of income, at least for a while - I can't depend on all my projects yet. But hopefully, that will turn out good as well.

What projects?
Well, Me and a friend is starting a theatre association, and in addition to that, I am now a proud owner of my own company!!! I won't say too much now, but I'll fill you in later on.

Anyhow, tomorrow it's good friday, and I'll celebrate it with my family and boyfriend. First time he meets my grandparents - exciting!

So I spent the whole day doing nothing. It's wonderful. Except I have two seminars and an exam to be done with by the end of next week. And that's just the most important things. Nice.

Watched a gilmore episode today. "The incredible shrinking Lorelei's" it was called. It was an episode where everything is coming down on them, and failure is nagging them by the heel. And I so recognize the feeling. Don't we all? When everything is falling apart. And it is so scary, cause... cause failure is scary. Sometimes it is inevitable, but in my case it's not, and I should pick myself up and start with everything that I need to do. What's happened to me? Why can't I just force myself to do what I should be doing?

Why am I coming closer and closer to a failure?

It is so weird, that little word, that in me evokes so many feelings. Feelings people tell me I should not have. Or they don’t say it out loud (looks can kill, almost) but I know they would like to. And I know they don’t understand, not at all. That single little word, that makes me want to cry and scream and shout, all at the same time. That has nothing to do with me. That makes me want to flee.

As a Christian, love is one of the principal foundations. It’s what your life should be built upon. And still, What I feel is not love. It is far from it. The worst for me, is that I know I’m expected to love, or at least try to love. And I guess that is my issue. Don’t expect me to do something, especially not when I didn’t want this in the first place. It might turn out ok after all – I don’t want to fight. But for now, I’ll stay in a denying bliss, awaiting summer and hoping that the sun will melt this ”ice cold heart”. I’m not that cold, I just never wished for this. I’m sorry, but that is the truth.

Isn't it funny?
Isn't it strange, after all?
In the middle of life, of an everyday week things just wist and you find yourself caught up in stuations you would never have dreamed of before... I just moved into my new apartment, I really like it but it feesl empty until Isabel moves in. She will come tomorrow, I can't wait.
Yesterday I went to this hawaii-party. It was fun until like 10, when they switched  dj:s... Bad idea! All of a sudden a bunch of dudes filled with tattos and  black hair starts coming in.. and I'm like "where are their hawaii shirts?". Anyway, I made it an early night, think I left around midnight.


And then there are people... Keep up your social skills, work it, call it, smile and be friendly... because it is all about networking, right? And it is nice, don't get me wrong, and it is important to keep up with your friends... It's just that sometimes it is nice to be alone. Do you know what I mean?

So f*n frustrated! This whole freaking trip to Gävle was totally unneccesary, A huge timeconsumer and just bad, bad, bad!!!! OMG I'mso annoyed right now. First, the stupid train to Gävleisdelayed - with an hour! Then it becomes even more delayed before we get to the city. Then there is no train back until 15.30 - 3 ½ hours later!! And I already have way too mutch to do...

On top of that i forgot my cellphone. Great day, just freaking great.

This is a really strange feeling. It's so hard to fokus on one thing a the time, my mind is racing and I can't slow it down... so much to do, oh well... maybe not too much, actually, no too much at all, but I'm lacking routine and therefore I find it hard to start all those things... 

So, I'm packing my bag to go to Gävle. It's not the best time of the month, the train is usually pretty cold and my bag heavy (well, i guess I can blame myself for that), at the same time as I like the class I'm in and it feels good knowing that I'll soon have my bechelors degree in Drama Pedagogics. 

OK. Now it's time to start doing stuff, and not procrastinate anymore. Things like homework. And work. And stuff. Oh well, it's better to actually starting to do them than just bitcha about it. So I guess just writing this is a waste of time? Or maybe it will function as a kick to get me to do it!!

Life play jokes with you sometimes, in cace noone noticed. One moment, everything is set and "don't worry, be happy" is a perfect quote for your life. Then, all of a sudden, everything is turned upside down, uncertainity is flowing through your veins and the only thing you are certain about is that you're not certain about anything at all! 

The worst part of changing climate is how easily you become a most weak target to infections. After  night of three hours of sleep, having family members with a cold and  nine hour long day filled with meetings, the cold was a fact. I have never regarded myself as someone who gives in to a smaller illness, but yesterday i muched preffered the warmth in our house than the rythmic beating of clubs. 

Because it hasn't been raining since I came home. Not one single drop. Oh, no wait - I just dreamt that! In fact I think it has been raining every freaking single day. I mean, we joke around about the fact that a "Swedish summer" means a rainy summer, but come on! Can't it be at least a little bit nicer than this? I know, I know, you get spoiled with California weather, and honestly the east coast has pretty great weather as well. I just don't see the necessity of trading the weather as well as the country! Sweden is wonderful, but please -!- give me sunshine. 

So... the first day at the new job. Exiting. Not so nervous, surprisingly. Happy. 

So... back to basics!

So many faces has passed by. Faces you love, faces you dislike, faces that just doesn't stay in your memory. Isn't it funny how a single picture of someone can provoke such strong feelings? 

So, bye bye D.C.

So... It's the final countdown ;)
Well, maybe not. But it is certainly getting closer to the departure. To home...
I can't believe that I'm about to see my family again. To see all my old, dear friends again. It feels like it was a different life. Then of course, in many ways, it was. But I know that as soon as I step into my house it will feel like everything that happened in the U.S. happened so very very long time ago.
Isn't it funny how fast we adapt? Survival of the fittest, you have to, otherwise you will be extinguished like a rare spieces of.. I don't know, whales? Of course, you could chose to stay in the same place your whole life, never change surroundings or scenario... but how much fun would that be? It would suffocate me.

Sometimes I come across stories of old friends; they are married, have kids, work on a job because it is a job but nothing more to it... And it scares me. To death. It is a reality so far from where I want to be. I's not that I have something against marriage. Or kids. (Well, maybe against kids, but anyway.) It's that the thought of being my age and... rooted... I might as well be in prison. If that sound to harsh, well too bad. Everyone is completely free to do whatever they want, but for Gods sake - don't expect me to give up my life yet. Or ever.

There are these days when, for a moment, everything stops. And even if you hadn't planned on it, maybe even tried to avoid it, things catch up with you. And you get time to think. You get time to remember that day when the sun shone so brightly, or that conversation on a random bus that made you think a little extra. Time to remember that special someone, who had such an impact on your life but you hardly realized  it until afterward, if even then.